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A Language of Love for Two
Medically reviewed by
Love is difficult. Whether to express, maintain or nurture, love is complicated and even simple expressions of ‘I love you’s can send us into a spiral of doubt and overthinking. This is not just for the romantic kind of love, but also for family, friends and other close ones. What if after all the work you put in for a gift for them, your loved one doesn’t react the way you expect them to? What if all you want is to make your parents proud, but they never verbally express their affection for you?
As Dr Paramita Bhowmick, a psychiatric social worker for Cadabam’s Group suggests, the first step would be to communicate your expectations. “We need to acknowledge, respect and appreciate that we have expectations.” Communication might make the process simpler, but what are we communicating exactly? To make the process a little easier, Gary Chapman, an American author, classified our classifications of love expressions into 5 Love Languages – different ways of expressing and receiving love. These love languages change from person to person, situation to situation, and even from relationship to relationship. By understanding the basic ideas behind love languages, could be helpful in introspecting and communicating wants and expectations in a relationship.
The Love Languages:
- Acts of Service – Doing nice things for your loved one as a way of expressing love. This could mean doing your partner’s chores after they have had a tiring day at work, or cooking their favourite meal.
- Gift Giving – Gifting your loved one a gift that symbolises your love and affection for them. This could mean gifting your parent a handmade card on a special occasion.
- Physical Touch – Enjoying being physically close to your loved one. This could mean hugs, hand holding or any physical closeness you are comfortable with.
- Quality Time – Expressing love by giving undivided attention and actively listening to what your loved one is saying. This means finding love in conversations and meaningful time spent together.
- Words of affirmation – Finding love in the appreciation, encouragement, and praise you get from your loved one. This could be through compliments, expressing faith in your loved one’s abilities or just appreciating their existence.
Disclaimer: Love Languages are not a solution to defining or fixing your relationship. Their core message is about being able to perceive and learn your own and your loved one’s ways of expressing love. This can further build your bond and help in communicating your love-needs.
To give an example, what if after a long day at work, you feel like having a nice conversation with your partner about how the day went for both of you. On the other hand, your partner wants to cuddle silently and call it a day. Though this may not necessarily be a problem, it might feel at some point, that your partner does not enjoy listening to what you have to say. This situation is more about both of your differing ways of expressing love rather than the genuinity of your relationship. While you enjoy talking to your partner, your partner enjoys quiet time with you. By acknowledging this difference, it could be easier
Due to certain misconceptions, people may avoid communicating or asking about their partner’s expectations. Drawing back from her experience, Dr Paramita says, “People come with a lot of assumptions, that when we put forward our expectations, how would the other person feel? They just take a step back saying ‘let him/her understand’. It doesn’t work that way. It’s more about communicating to each other directly about what exactly you expect from each other and only then do you come to a solution.”
So, love languages are about being attentive to your loved one’s form of expressing love and shaping your ways of expression in a way that adapts to it. In a way, understanding these languages can help in self-growth, where you break past your comfort levels and become more empathetic, attentive and responsive to your loved one’s frequency. In fact, relationship satisfaction has been shown to increase with the space your relationship gives for sel-expansion.
So, the next time you want to appreciate your loved one, try to figure out what sort of love-expression they are most receptive to. The best outcome would be for everyone involved to combine their languages of love to find a harmony. In the end, what matters most is securing the foundations of a healthy relationship through appreciative communication and enhancement of yourself.
If you think about it, love is difficult. Simple expressions of ‘I love yous’ or even the act of gifting someone can come with a lot of overthinking and doubt. And this love is not restricted to just the romantic kind. What if you spend hours working on a gift, but your friends don’t react the way you expect them to? What if all you want from your parents is a verbal acknowledgement of their pride for you, but your parents don’t believe in that kind of love?
The first step would be to communicate your expectations. As psychiatric social worker from Cadabams Group, Dr Paramita Bhowmick says, “We need to acknowledge, respect and appreciate that we have expectations.” Communication may be able to make this a little easier, but even then, what exactly are we communicating? To streamline the process, Gary Chapman came up with the 5 love languages – different ways of expressing and receiving love. These expressions change from person to person, relationship to relationship, even from context to context. Understanding them might ease the process of conveying and being receptive to wants and expectations in your relationships.
So, let’s say after a long day at work, you feel like having a chat with your partner about your day and how it went for both of you. Meanwhile, your partner prefers to spend time cuddling while watching television. It may not be a problem, but at some point, you may feel like your partner does not enjoy listening to what you have to say. This situation is not a matter of whether you love each other, but more about the way you each choose to express your love. While you enjoy talking to your partner, your partner simply prefers some quiet time with you. By accepting this difference, both of you might be able to find a middle ground for managing both your expectations.
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A lot of times, people may avoid communicating or asking about their partner’s expectations. Drawing back from her experience, Dr Paramita says, “People come with a lot of assumptions, that when we put forward our expectations, how would the other person feel? They just take a step back saying ‘let him/her understand’. It doesn’t work that way. It’s more about communicating to each other directly about what exactly you expect from each other and only then do you come to a solution.”
Thus, the idea of love languages is more about perceiving your loved one’s form of expression and shaping your own way in a way that adapts to it. In a way, knowing these languages is a form of self-growth, where you expand beyond your comfort zone to be more empathetic, attentive and responsive to the needs of those you love. In fact, relationship satisfaction has been shown to increase with the amount of conduciveness for self-expansion in a relationship.
So the next time you want to appreciate your loved one, try to figure out what love-expression they respond to best. Who knows, maybe you could find a way to combine your language of expression and theirs! In the end, it’s all about securing the foundations of a healthy relationship with the appreciation and enhancement of yourself.
