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Finding a way out of the dark
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I have been suffering from depression over a period of two years. I had lot of dark secrets from my childhood come out during this period of time. I didn’t expect anybody to really care and understand what I am going through. I often felt trapped inside and lost.
I am much better off now even though it took a lot of time to recognize things and cope up with situations. I used to get tired very easily. There used to be days, when I used to sleep for 6 to 12 hours, but other days, I only slept for 4 and 6 hours.
It used to take all my energy to carry on without failing. I hardly have friends but they don’t get on well that easily. I have tried to stay out of socializing as much as possible. All I wanted was my voice to be heard and understood by someone. Sometimes I felt very worthless and useless, even questioned my existence on this earth.
I kept on questioning myself what did I do? Where did it go wrong? Living with these issues is really tough, when you find there is no one to listen to you. It’s not that easy for anyone else to understand such issues. I have also been to doctors several times and they just don’t seem to understand. I was put on anti-depressants. The doctor does not listen to, what I am saying; everyday seems to be a struggle, as no one seemed to care for me. My family do not care, friends don’t care and no one is helping me at all.
This phase of life looked like ups and downs. I regularly get fear and anxiety, where I believe someone will cheat on me. I sometimes feel paranoid and end up obsessing which causes lot of inner conflicts. I sometimes feel very low as I cannot control it. I have tried so hard not to lose hope and not think bad things in life.
It can be related to a number of unfortunate life events. My dad died when I was young and then finding a job was a tough one. A messy divorce and troubled marriage doesn’t seem to go that well. I used to be a self assured person later turned out to be a defeated one. I needed help that’s the only thing I know for certain but I was not willing to visit a Psychiatrist as I didn’t want to be labelled as a mentally unsound person.
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I resorted to drinks and drugs to get over this problem which later caused lot of complications in life. In fact, it made things difficult for me instead of solving the problem. The part is to finding the courage and strength to share it with someone. Depression made me feel that I had failed.It makes you feel like a terrible failure altogether.
